Day forty three on Duramine (metermine) 40mgs-
It has been an interesting week.. Many ups and downs have created a breeding ground for bad food decisions, disasters and emotional turmoil. The tablets seemed to be becoming less and less efective so I stopped taking them on thursday last week and resumed taking them on tuesday this week, it wasn't a long break but in that time i had two particularly nasty nights. The first was a result of demolishing an entire pizza thursday night and the resulting 45 minutes spent with my fingers crammed down my throat over a toilet bowl desperately trying to purge myself whilst bawling my eyes out. I hadn't forced myself to vomit in, god, 13 years. I had a problem with evicting the contents of my stomach when i was a teen and i say HAD because it was and IS past tense but after over indulging i felt so sick and ashamed, i really didn't see another option- in the past the slightest press down my throat had caused me to bring up my meal. My mother, after watching some dr phil shite, had the idea that telling everyone i knew or met about my 'little problem' would 'cure' me and i have to say the shame, mortification, exposure and embarassment worked wonders and after a mere year i moved on- put on my big (fat) girl panties and got over it, so to speak. Apparently my throat developed a tolerance for pressure or something because in 45 minutes i managed to bring up little more than a tablespoon and felt much more ashamed and depressed after attempting it than i did after eating so yea, in the past, only mentioned in the interest of full disclosure because this is my blog, MY story, and omitting the truth is akin to being untruthful to myself.. And we can't have that now can we
I've mixed emotions about the break I took, it seems to have been successful in regards to the effectiveness issue as I am noticing the results I.e less appetite etc however before I began taking duromine I had already managed to stop some of my bad habits (portion size control, eating after tea) yet in the 5-6 days I was off of it I lost control, completely. I was ravenous ALL the time and experienced an almost dangerous loss of control. I can't fathom the reason behind the complete 180. I have been having some emotional issues and family problems so perhaps it is all just psychogical or mayhap it's a result of the dramatic decline in the amount I have been eating (pre duramine) I just don't get it. I have kept up the excersizing atleast 90 percent of the time. It has been raining alot so mostly i have been doing between 1-2 hours of just dance 3 a day. As my nieces both had parties this month following my brother and sister in laws i have been surrounded by temptation- and I don't do so well with temptation. I ate alot of mnm's this past week. The second major low was at my nieces 5th birthday party this past Saturday. I was doing so well, I had been good since Thursday (bar the mnm's) I had two beers, carbs yea , then we stayed over for dinner. I had been dancing all day and had even gone for a half hour walk in the rain, then for tea I ate 3 slices of spanicopita (feta cheese and spinach in filo pastry) a handful of chips, a slice of bread and a tub of peas and gravy, oh and some roast chicken. I put it down to the fact I hadn't eaten all day and the alcohol impairing my judgement- excuses I know. I wasn't going to relapse into trying to rid my body of the food so I determined to workout harder the next day and get back on 'track' and I did. I have found that as the tablets don't interrupt my sleep, it is more beneficial for me to take them midday rather than early morning.. This ensures that in the evening when I have tendancies to over indulge they are still effectively helping me to suppress my appetite. Yesterday I ate some twiggy sticks for breakfast, had a small salad with chicken, celery, capsicum and tabouli in a lime dressing for lunch and a cream of chicken soup for tea. I drank roughly 2 litres of water and bought another dance game (dance central 2) and a zumba rush game too. This morning I did a zumba workout between 6am and 7am- I LOVED IT skipped breakfast and after picking up my sons 5th birthday presents, octonaughts gear and a wooden firehouse playhouse playset, I got home and ate some garlic metwurst and cheese. For dinner I had bourbon and coke and later another slice of metwurst. Pretty much polished off the bottle now so I made up the calories for today did another half hour zumba session at 3pm too oh and had roughly 2 litres water today too. Its funny, I googled utube vids of the dancing games before I ever bought the first one and thought the zumba looked too intense but I absolutely love it, even talked my sister in law into going to a class with me so that will happen soon. I'm happy that I am more energetic and I am choosing to focus on this rather than the mistakes I have, and surely will continue to make. We are all human and whilst that doesn't excuse the regrets I have it is better than hating myself and wallowing in self pity until I do something stupid I can never recover from. Death is final and that's all negativity and self loathing leads to. I have started, after 6 year smoking again and while I am terribly disappointed in myself both chocolate and nicotine WILL kill me and I KNOW I can quit nicotine eventually, I have done it before- I haven't lost weight EVER before in my life and while its not always easy I believe I can do it. I have to. It is slow going and frought with difficulties but after all that's all any of us can do, right? Believe that if we try hard enough we CAN make a differance
It has been an interesting week.. Many ups and downs have created a breeding ground for bad food decisions, disasters and emotional turmoil. The tablets seemed to be becoming less and less efective so I stopped taking them on thursday last week and resumed taking them on tuesday this week, it wasn't a long break but in that time i had two particularly nasty nights. The first was a result of demolishing an entire pizza thursday night and the resulting 45 minutes spent with my fingers crammed down my throat over a toilet bowl desperately trying to purge myself whilst bawling my eyes out. I hadn't forced myself to vomit in, god, 13 years. I had a problem with evicting the contents of my stomach when i was a teen and i say HAD because it was and IS past tense but after over indulging i felt so sick and ashamed, i really didn't see another option- in the past the slightest press down my throat had caused me to bring up my meal. My mother, after watching some dr phil shite, had the idea that telling everyone i knew or met about my 'little problem' would 'cure' me and i have to say the shame, mortification, exposure and embarassment worked wonders and after a mere year i moved on- put on my big (fat) girl panties and got over it, so to speak. Apparently my throat developed a tolerance for pressure or something because in 45 minutes i managed to bring up little more than a tablespoon and felt much more ashamed and depressed after attempting it than i did after eating so yea, in the past, only mentioned in the interest of full disclosure because this is my blog, MY story, and omitting the truth is akin to being untruthful to myself.. And we can't have that now can we
I've mixed emotions about the break I took, it seems to have been successful in regards to the effectiveness issue as I am noticing the results I.e less appetite etc however before I began taking duromine I had already managed to stop some of my bad habits (portion size control, eating after tea) yet in the 5-6 days I was off of it I lost control, completely. I was ravenous ALL the time and experienced an almost dangerous loss of control. I can't fathom the reason behind the complete 180. I have been having some emotional issues and family problems so perhaps it is all just psychogical or mayhap it's a result of the dramatic decline in the amount I have been eating (pre duramine) I just don't get it. I have kept up the excersizing atleast 90 percent of the time. It has been raining alot so mostly i have been doing between 1-2 hours of just dance 3 a day. As my nieces both had parties this month following my brother and sister in laws i have been surrounded by temptation- and I don't do so well with temptation. I ate alot of mnm's this past week. The second major low was at my nieces 5th birthday party this past Saturday. I was doing so well, I had been good since Thursday (bar the mnm's) I had two beers, carbs yea , then we stayed over for dinner. I had been dancing all day and had even gone for a half hour walk in the rain, then for tea I ate 3 slices of spanicopita (feta cheese and spinach in filo pastry) a handful of chips, a slice of bread and a tub of peas and gravy, oh and some roast chicken. I put it down to the fact I hadn't eaten all day and the alcohol impairing my judgement- excuses I know. I wasn't going to relapse into trying to rid my body of the food so I determined to workout harder the next day and get back on 'track' and I did. I have found that as the tablets don't interrupt my sleep, it is more beneficial for me to take them midday rather than early morning.. This ensures that in the evening when I have tendancies to over indulge they are still effectively helping me to suppress my appetite. Yesterday I ate some twiggy sticks for breakfast, had a small salad with chicken, celery, capsicum and tabouli in a lime dressing for lunch and a cream of chicken soup for tea. I drank roughly 2 litres of water and bought another dance game (dance central 2) and a zumba rush game too. This morning I did a zumba workout between 6am and 7am- I LOVED IT skipped breakfast and after picking up my sons 5th birthday presents, octonaughts gear and a wooden firehouse playhouse playset, I got home and ate some garlic metwurst and cheese. For dinner I had bourbon and coke and later another slice of metwurst. Pretty much polished off the bottle now so I made up the calories for today did another half hour zumba session at 3pm too oh and had roughly 2 litres water today too. Its funny, I googled utube vids of the dancing games before I ever bought the first one and thought the zumba looked too intense but I absolutely love it, even talked my sister in law into going to a class with me so that will happen soon. I'm happy that I am more energetic and I am choosing to focus on this rather than the mistakes I have, and surely will continue to make. We are all human and whilst that doesn't excuse the regrets I have it is better than hating myself and wallowing in self pity until I do something stupid I can never recover from. Death is final and that's all negativity and self loathing leads to. I have started, after 6 year smoking again and while I am terribly disappointed in myself both chocolate and nicotine WILL kill me and I KNOW I can quit nicotine eventually, I have done it before- I haven't lost weight EVER before in my life and while its not always easy I believe I can do it. I have to. It is slow going and frought with difficulties but after all that's all any of us can do, right? Believe that if we try hard enough we CAN make a differance 
