Day forty nine on Duramine (metermine) 40mgs-
Had roughly 800 calories today.. Previously I wast attempting to stick between 500-700 calories but now I average out at between 700 and 950 calories a day which still puts me on a very low calorie diet as I was advised to be but is somewhat healthier long term I guess. Primarily eating protien and avoiding carbs as much as possible, it's getting easier to not eat bread and potato and to watch others eat without slipping into a fantasy about food and eating while slobbering like an idiot only to come back to reality and realise I am gnawing a cushion. Thats nice. Won't miss the fluff getting caught inbetween my teeth. Today my pregnant sister inlaw and niece devoured maccas and kfc across from me (whilst I explained that it had been difficult to watch others eat- hows that for irony) and I didn't flinch, cave or run to the nearest counter screaming feed me. I grabbed a banana, ate it slowly and smiled. Tomorrow will be slightly more difficult
I bought a mudcake for my sons birthday (I'm making one for his party next Saturday so I cheated) and I can already hear it screaming to me from the fridge. I won't touch it though. Won't. Won't Won't Won't. Yea the lady doth protest too much. I know I want it, the weedling voice in my mind attempting gain leverage with that fact is urging me to consider the possibility of skipping calories to make it up, working out harder, just treating myself.. Go on DO IT! Yea I want it.. So bad it feels as if the desire is being clawed out of every pore in my skin while my bloody exposed flesh has vinegar poured over it. I want to be happy. I could be deliciously decadently happy for five minutes, I could even maybe stretch it to 10 or 15 of I slowly savoured every bite, every last crumb. While every chocolatey taste overwhelmed my taste buds with sweet sugary sensations and my mind was emptied of everything but the experience of taste in that exact second, everything else would fall apart. I would forget being embarrased today, crying over silly things, how much I have to do tonight in prep for tomorrow or any of the stresses of life. I would exist only in that moment. That's not happiness- that's insane and pathetic and short lived gratification that will get me nowhere and I will not succumb to a moment of sugary bliss knowing if I try, if I keep trying, then I really can be happy and I want the real thing no more facades. I can deal with the blistering mental cravings because I KNOW I can change. I don't have to be fat miserable pathetic and gloomy anymore. I can do it. I think. Hate that it has to be so hard. I need to deal with the void that I am trying to plug with food, the fact that I have shifted to smoking a large amount now and transferred one 'need' for another is telling to me. I have to sort out my underlying issues or I'm just going to wind up trying to cram differant sized plugs into a hole that can't seem to be filled. I shouldn't crave food THIS much and I'm rambling full of introspective mire tonight.. Will shut up now, and cease writing too anyhow..
Didn't workout today, didn't do anything really physical. Will rectify this tomorrow. Drank 2 litres of water. Had 3 rashers of bacon for breakfast. Banana for lunch. Another rasher of bacon after shopping. 7 fish fingers for tea and drank about a cup of berri apple, pear and strawberry juice today. Going to start on fruit kebabs for tomorrow and wrap presents now.
Had roughly 800 calories today.. Previously I wast attempting to stick between 500-700 calories but now I average out at between 700 and 950 calories a day which still puts me on a very low calorie diet as I was advised to be but is somewhat healthier long term I guess. Primarily eating protien and avoiding carbs as much as possible, it's getting easier to not eat bread and potato and to watch others eat without slipping into a fantasy about food and eating while slobbering like an idiot only to come back to reality and realise I am gnawing a cushion. Thats nice. Won't miss the fluff getting caught inbetween my teeth. Today my pregnant sister inlaw and niece devoured maccas and kfc across from me (whilst I explained that it had been difficult to watch others eat- hows that for irony) and I didn't flinch, cave or run to the nearest counter screaming feed me. I grabbed a banana, ate it slowly and smiled. Tomorrow will be slightly more difficult
I bought a mudcake for my sons birthday (I'm making one for his party next Saturday so I cheated) and I can already hear it screaming to me from the fridge. I won't touch it though. Won't. Won't Won't Won't. Yea the lady doth protest too much. I know I want it, the weedling voice in my mind attempting gain leverage with that fact is urging me to consider the possibility of skipping calories to make it up, working out harder, just treating myself.. Go on DO IT! Yea I want it.. So bad it feels as if the desire is being clawed out of every pore in my skin while my bloody exposed flesh has vinegar poured over it. I want to be happy. I could be deliciously decadently happy for five minutes, I could even maybe stretch it to 10 or 15 of I slowly savoured every bite, every last crumb. While every chocolatey taste overwhelmed my taste buds with sweet sugary sensations and my mind was emptied of everything but the experience of taste in that exact second, everything else would fall apart. I would forget being embarrased today, crying over silly things, how much I have to do tonight in prep for tomorrow or any of the stresses of life. I would exist only in that moment. That's not happiness- that's insane and pathetic and short lived gratification that will get me nowhere and I will not succumb to a moment of sugary bliss knowing if I try, if I keep trying, then I really can be happy and I want the real thing no more facades. I can deal with the blistering mental cravings because I KNOW I can change. I don't have to be fat miserable pathetic and gloomy anymore. I can do it. I think. Hate that it has to be so hard. I need to deal with the void that I am trying to plug with food, the fact that I have shifted to smoking a large amount now and transferred one 'need' for another is telling to me. I have to sort out my underlying issues or I'm just going to wind up trying to cram differant sized plugs into a hole that can't seem to be filled. I shouldn't crave food THIS much and I'm rambling full of introspective mire tonight.. Will shut up now, and cease writing too anyhow..Didn't workout today, didn't do anything really physical. Will rectify this tomorrow. Drank 2 litres of water. Had 3 rashers of bacon for breakfast. Banana for lunch. Another rasher of bacon after shopping. 7 fish fingers for tea and drank about a cup of berri apple, pear and strawberry juice today. Going to start on fruit kebabs for tomorrow and wrap presents now.
